Who Am I “Really”?

By Dianne Sackrider

It was a normal church staff meeting that Tuesday morning….or at least that was my thought process heading into it.  It didn’t take long to discover this meeting was like no other staff meeting I had ever attended.  You see, my pastor of 14 years had made a decision to “release” his entire staff. 

As you can imagine, my world had just been turned upside down.  I couldn’t process what had happened and definitely couldn’t see God’s hand in it.  My heart was broken, not only for myself, but for all those on staff who I loved and had lived life with for so many years. 

Over the next two years I went through what I would call an identity crisis.  I cried buckets of tears.  I mourned over what had been lost.  Relationships were broken and I felt completely betrayed.  Ministry was my passion and my life was about serving God….so how did I end up without a church home, without a job, and without a place to serve? Without all of that, who was I? I can honestly tell you that I had no idea! 

As I began to soul search and allow God to heal my brokenness, I came to a startling revelation.  Due to my own insecurities and wanting to please everyone, I had become a chameleon.  I adapted to whatever expectations were placed on me.  My behavior, my preferences, everything about me had been shaped and molded from other people’s expectations!  Once that revelation hit me, I began the journey of finding the real me. 

I started by praying and asking God to reveal to me who He sees when he looks at me.  I searched the word of God and found scriptures telling me that I am His masterpiece (Eph. 2:10) and that I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). I meditated on His word and saturated my soul with God’s love for me.   My husband and I found a new church home to get plugged in to and began making new friends.  We have come full circle and are now serving again in church.  God is truly the great healer and restorer of our souls. 

I am more aware now than ever, that women suffer greatly from insecurities.  We live in a world that puts higher demands on women every day to be wife, supermom and successful career woman all at the same time.  Thank God He has set us free to see ourselves through the eyes of our Father and not through the eyes of this world.  If you struggle with your identity, maybe it’s time for your own journey.  

Bitterness

By Jessica Grimbleby

So a weird thing happened. I have allowed a little thing called bitterness to seep in and take up residence in my heart. In all honesty, I didn't even realize it was happening. Then all the sudden, I found myself on the phone with my best friend...

All these words were coming out. I couldn't believe what I was saying. It didn't sound like me. It sounded like a totally bitter person. What were those words coming from my mouth?

I should have seen it coming. I have been getting so agitated about certain things that I started avoiding people. Everything they did bothered me, even when it had nothing to do with their my issue. 

Wowsers. How did I allow this to happen?

It especially worries me when the bible throws bitterness in with anger, rage and slander (Ephesians 4:31). None of these are things I want in my life. 

Here's the ironic part. None of this bitterness comes from things these people have done to me. In fact, it stems from me feeling like they have wronged some of my nearest and dearest. Now I know God is all for us bearing each other's burdens, but I am thinking this isn't what he had in mind. 

I am pretty sure I would get some funny looks if I went up to the people who I have developed bitterness for and asked for forgiveness. Not only would I get some funny looks, but I also think I would be hurting some feelings and crossing some confidence boundaries. Instead, I need to go to my nearest and dearest and ask for their forgiveness for this bitterness. And not just their forgiveness, but also ask that they keep me in check about this.

Sounds easy enough, right? After all, I am just needing to talk to some of my besties. Still, it doesn't make it easy. Eating humble pie is never easy. But you know what, it is better than this stuff that has invaded my heart and mind lately. 

"Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit in me." Psalm 51:10 

Our Slippery Slopes!

By Gayle Thornberry

Every parent faces the question of how to teach their children the principles of truth, and truthfulness even when they fear the repercussions of their honesty or confession. Interestingly, even though you spend a lifetime doing the training, following through with the discipline and setting the example for them; there is no guarantee that they will tell the truth, even when they've been caught red-handed. And, I have to say it amazes me what lengths a young person will go through to deny their involvement in something!

I remember one time I came home from work, and began preparing dinner. I noticed the kitchen floor was particularly slippery . . . but, in my rush to get the job done I blew off the fact that I was feeling a bit like Bambi on ice as I moved from the stove to the sink. However, I couldn't blow off the fact that the can of spray "Pam" that was sitting in a pool, when I reached for it, was literally dripping with an oily residue that ran down the side of the can. I couldn't blow off the fact that the rim was swimming in a wet slime, or that the lid was slick and barely sitting on top of the can! So, I knew something was up! It was then that I bent over, felt the floor and noticed a greasy residue on the long open ended kitchen floor. Hmmmm, I "sez" to myself . . . "something is up here!" Well, figuring out that the Pam had been sprayed on the floor and very likely kids had been running from the dining room, into the living room, down the hall and then playing slip-and-slide in the kitchen, didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out! I went into the laundry room and my suspicions were confirmed with 2 pair of greasy bottomed socks in the hamper.

So, at the dining table when everyone was thoroughly enjoying their meal . . . I launched the question that I already knew the answer to. "Can anyone tell me why the kitchen floor is slippery?" I watched as faces bobbed up, eyebrows raised then formed a puzzled look. But, it was their guilty swallows that nearly made me laugh. And, I must say I was NOT surprised by the answers of "huh?" And, "Nope, is it slippery?" I said to them, "Look, I already know what happened, so you both may as well just fess up and remember; honesty is always your best policy!" Do you think that brought forth truth? Not, on your life! After about 10 minutes of crafty denials and sweaty palms (theirs, not mine) I shared with them just what I suspected. Since I shared it with matter-of-fact-ness in my voice, the looks on their faces as I nailed what they'd been up to, was priceless! It was then that they asked if there would be any grace for them if they confess right here and right now. Now, for a parent, this is a dilemma. Did they deserve grace? They didn't confess on being asked the first time. They didn't confess when there was ample opportunity, and they didn't confess until they were cornered and they knew it, and in fact, they hadn't yet confessed . . . they were really trying to weigh their options. So, should the parent extend grace . . . or exact punishment?

As I remember (this was over 12 years ago) I did both. They were given grace since in fact they were willing to come clean with only a lecture, but they did have to mop the floor and clean up that greasy mess in the kitchen cabinet.

I was remembering this event when I read the passage in Proverbs 1:8 & 9 that says:

"By loving kindness and truth, iniquity is purged, and by the fear of the Lord one keeps away from evil."

I realize that discipline IS loving kindness and training our children to be honest and to readily confess our sins, is a hedge of protection that we place around them from the evil world that surrounds them. It was in this moment of reflection that I realize something even greater, and that is this; that God also extends grace AND exacts punishment . . . so that . . . we learn to keep away from evil. I no more like punishment now, than those kids did, then. And I'm not any quicker to admit my wrongdoing than they were. My Heavenly Father knows my motives, my heart, and my attitudes. He knows my love for reputation, my prejudices, and my arrogance. God sees every angle of my unforgivenesses, my grudges and my criticisms. He knows when I try to angle my way out of my responsibility in a matter. He knows when I try to edge out of a "slippery" situation so that I don't have to take any ownership . . . just as those kids had done when having to face their "slippery" slope!

What do I mean when I say that God extends grace and exacts punishment? I mean that when I ask God to forgive me, He does. But, I still reap a harvest of seeds that I've sown. Yet,in His grace, God extends to me the ability to walk through the results of my harvest, and more often than not, He miraculously takes that harvest and uses it for my good and His glory!! Sometimes, I'm blessed enough to have sown some of those seeds on rocky soil, so that they didn't take root and therefore there is little harvest. I'm amazed at how He turns my many situations around, on my behalf. Now that's grace!